Sunday, November 8, 2009

6 weeks

i had a pretty busy weekend....looking forward at the next 6 weeks, i'm realizing that my days are quickly filling up with "to-dos" and lists of things i need (and want) to get done before the wedding... i'm really struggling today - i feel emotionally and spiritually drained...

on friday night i had the joy of spending the night at sarah's house with eda - her and dave had a date night...i realized why parents fall asleep early and why moms never seem to have enough sleep...although sweet little eda slept through the night (almost 12 hours!) she was sick with a cough - everytime she coughed throughout the night, i thought to myself, "oh no! i hope she doesn't choke, i should go check on her..." she was always ok, but it did make me appreciate why mothers are such light sleepers!

the next morning (saturday) i went out to my dads. he had an eye doctor appointment and the doctor insisted he had a driver. it was nice to see him, but being with him is....bittersweet. i love him and his company, but it's so hard leaving his house knowing he is alone. i want to be more available to him, but i am so busy. he took me to go see his new house. it's a little cottage-style house on a lake, down several curvy, dirt roads. although his new house is awesome, i feel like i have so many emotions associated with his current house. his current house is where his sober life began, it's where he and diane started their lives together, it's where he got married, it's where we always celebrated, he's moving out, just as i move to nyc. maybe i'm uber-emotional and sensitive (okay, i admit it, i am) but his new house isn't home. with infrequent visits to michigan in the future, it will never be my home. satan has been whispering to my heart, "laura, his new house is so isolated, if he gets sick or falls, no one wil know...he is alone." i guess my exhaustion is due to several things: 1.) the constant worrying i do for my dad. when's the next time he will get sick? who will be there to get him help? 2.) this new home will never be my home...i'm getting married soon and will be 'cleaving' to jeff, in nyc.

i am having such a hard time entrusting my dad into god's care...i cannot be his sole 'worry-er' anymore. i cannot keep him from another relapse. i cannot be his caregiver. my primary concern is going to be my relationship with jeff, my husband. in order for me to fully love jeff, i need to lay this down.

on a more positive note, i went to my second dress fitting on saturday. my dress envy is officially gone :) once the dress fit, and didn't hang off of my body, i remembered why we bought it.

please pray for me. please pray that i would hand my dad over to the lord and that i would feel peace that surpasses all understanding.

much love.

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