The Lord has been testing my idealism

I walk into one of my client's homes: it's dark, the floors are sticky, it stinks, i hear rodents scurrying on the floor next to me as I walk up the steps (thank goodness there isn't enough light for me to see them in the staircase.) Here I am, in Bedford Stuyvesant - notoriously known for being one of Brooklyn's most dangerous neighborhoods. Strikingly similar to the city of Detroit.

I sit down with this 2 1/2 year old child. It's 90 degrees outside. I'm hot, sticky, and there are no lights on in the one room apartment. As I pull out the most ordinary toys like bubbles and Mr. Potato Head, this sweet little girl is amazed. As we begin our session, I'm frequently distracted by movement in my peripheral vision. Within two minutes, I notice a big long rat tail in the corner of my eye. This home is infested: rats, cockroaches and desperation. The child's mother is trying. She is a good mom that attempts to provide the most language-rich environment with the resources she has. As I leave, I'm scared. I'm scared because men are whistling at me and one man even follows me a couple of blocks until I reach the subway.

For the past couple years, I have preached about how I desire to practice as a speech therapist in the city of Detroit with low-income families who live in the 'hood'. As I left Bed Stuy two Wednesdays ago, I caught myself thinking, "Lord, are you sure? Are you sure you want me to put myself in danger just to give some kid speech therapy?" My idealistic tendencies were being tried.

Just as I began to question myself, my job, and my commitment to children of low-income areas, I received an email from my clinical supervisor at Wayne State: 24 speech and language pathology positions would be opening for the fall. WHAT!? 24 open positions in the city where Jeff & I ultimately want to be? Obviously, I thought, this is God telling me to quit my job and move home.......I surprised Jeff one evening by telling him I would be applying to one of these jobs in Detroit (not my most proud 'wife moment'.) He told me that he didn't think this was the time the Lord had for us to go home. Boo. I respected him [with my teeth clenched.]

A few days later Jeff called me to have a 'talk' (eek, I was nervous.) He told me that I should apply for a job in Detroit for the fall (WHAT!? jeff was giving me a 'free pass' to detroit in the FALL!) He was afraid he was standing in the way of God's will. I immediately started shaking and crying. The Lord was doing something within me.

I hate admitting this, but I know the Lord does not want us in Detroit this fall. It took every bone of my body to tell Jeff, "No, we can't go to Detroit this fall, we need another year in new york (aka this place that I HATE!)" As I frequently look back and regret that moment, Jeff has spoken so much truth into my heart:

• I am learning so much about early intervention in new york. i have resources here that detroit does not have to offer
• I am learning so much about serving low income children and families here in new york that will guide me when we do move back to Detroit
• And, although it freaks Jeff out to dwell in this, "HE goes before me, HE shields my way." Even when it feels unsafe in these neighborhoods, the Lord has gone before me to prepare a way to minister and love on these families here in new york. He is my Protector.
  

So, as I sit and play with my little Bed Stuy kiddos, I am praying for the children in Detroit I will someday better serve (with or without the rats and cockroaches.) I have fervently prayed the Lord would prepare me for Detroit while I"m here in New York and, to NO surprise, He is! Praise God.

Much Love.

Bon Bini!

Bon Bini means "welcome" in Papiamento - one of the four languages spoken in Aruba.  Arubians speak English, Spanish, Dutch (they are a Dutch province) and Papiamento.  Papiamento is a combination of English, Spanish and Dutch - interesting, eh?  Here are some pictures of our Aruban adventure.  You'll notice some of the pictures are hazy - that's because it is SO humid in Aruba that your camera lense has to 'air out' prior to taking pictures.  It is also VERY windy Aruba - hence the headband I wore every single day (although the wind kept the beach and pool nice and cool!)

The lighthouse restaurant.  Looking over Aruba - celebrating 5 months of marriage :)

Madam Jeanettes - delicious aruban cuisine.

Snorkel snorkel!
Beautiful sunset @ the lighthouse


jeff trying to like sushi.
these lizards were NOT afraid of humans!
we loved the drinks from the bar - they had minimal alcohol and always were frozen. yum.

So, that was our trip to Aruba.  I am constantly reminded how blessed I am to have a husband who fears the Lord.  Jeff works so hard to love the lord, love me and provide for us.  This past week he has really demonstrated the FREE GIFT of GRACE Jesus provides for us by paying off my college loans.  Jeff never took those loans out for school (don't get me wrong, I never took out loans for 'spending' - just to pay for school) but he is PAYING BACK my indebtedness. I feel unworthy of his love, just like I sometimes feel unworthy of the Lord's love and forgiveness. So, thanks Jeff :)

Much Love.

Last few weeks of freedom

It's true - I start working on June 1 and am REALLY soaking up the last few weeks of freedom. The month I have had off has been so relaxing and has provided restoration.

I went home to Michigan to spend some quality time with family and friends (as noted in my previous post), came back to NY for a few days and then Jeff and I headed to ARUBA for our honeymoon. It's funny how God works - the timing of our honeymoon was so perfect. Jeff and I really got to face some things in our spiritual journeys that we had been ignoring, give grace to each other and receive grace from one another. We are back from Aruba feeling rested and restored.

I'll post more about Aruba once I have access to the pictures on Jeff's computer.

On another exciting note, Pete got into med school! From the beginning of this med school application process, Pete continually said, "Laura, I'm not going to get into Wayne State - it's much too competitive." For some reason, I really felt the Lord telling me, "Laura, he's going to go to wayne state - encourage him to not lose hope." Pete was gradually accepted to several schools, but turned them all down, holding out for wayne state (this 'waiting' and 'denying' process gave my mom a few gray hairs - bless that woman's heart!) In jest, my mom and brothers would say, "Okay laura, talk to God - we ready for this stressful waiting game to be over." Haha - God was faithful and Peter will soon be: Peter Wilton, M.D. Praise God.

On another note, our friends Eric & Sarah Russ (they started a sweet church in Detroit, MI) were in NY last night for a missions conference. Eric spoke, and we got to see him! I have babysat for their beautiful children a few times and they are sort of affiliated with my home church. Of course, seeing them further burdened our hearts for Detroit. Please pray that the Lord would continue to make his plan clear to us as to WHEN we are to head back. I'd like to go back tomorrow :) hahah

Well, we are headed off to church!

Much Love.

home, sweet home.

i traveled home to michigan last tuesday (for an entire week!) it was jam-packed with visiting friends, graduation festivities,  my momma's birthday AND mother's day celebration.  sadly, i took minimal pictures - i really wish i would have brought my camera around!

on tuesday evening i went straight to ann arbor, visited with my dear friend lindsay, had dinner at scott & melissa's and slept over at ashley & kyle's home.  i babysat for scott & melissa's daughter, ava, from birth to 2.5 years old.  i really loved (and still love!) her like my own daughter.  she is now 4.5 years old and i can't believe how SMART and beautiful she is.  it brought tears to my eyes to hear her say 'laura' (she used ot call me wawa) and love on her little sister.  mmm! lindsay, ashley and kyle all ate dinner at scott & melissa's with me - which made it even more exciting :)  i was also so excited to hear that melissa (ava's mom) is diligently seeking the lord.  it brings me joy.

spending the night with ashley brought me back to our high school/college/post-college days of trash tv and junk food.  it was fantastic.  as i've shared before, the worst part about living in NYC is being away from my sweet girlfriends.  boo.  i became very sleepy after ashley rubbed my head for about 30 minutes.  

i got to spend wednesday with my dad.  last fall he moved into a little cottage on a lake in howell (see picture to the left - that's his backyard!)  the weather was beautiful, as was the scenery.  we got to barbeque in his backyard and eat lunch outside - it was so relaxing.  i think i cry everytime i leave my dad's house - i hate that he is alone in that house and i really do miss him.  since he lives about an hour and twenty minutes from my mom, i don't get to see him as much as i would like to when i visit home.  i think jeff & i should plan a trip home to stay at my dad's house this summer.  he would love that.

thursday was graduation :)  i am officially a speech language pathologist - i can't believe it.  it was so great to see my entire class, especially jen and heather.  jen and heather are both getting married this summer, but unfortunately jeff & i can't make it home due to time-off and financial expenses.  boo!  both of my parents, grandma and peter attended my graduation - it was fabulous.  

my mom's birthday was on friday.  before she came home from work, i got to spend some quality time with my dear sister, sarah.  sarah has been trying to get pregnant for over a year.  she was even about to have a very expensive surgery next week so her doctor could maybe figure out what was going on in her body.  PRAISE GOD SARAH IS PREGNANT!  my eyes began to well up with tears when she told me (actually, her daughter, Eda, was wearing a shirt that said "im a big sister" -- so, Eda told me :) ) God is so faithful, so powerful.  through sarah's struggle, God has really been changing my heart towards having children of my own.  although i don't want to bear children anytime soon, i am starting to desire it more -- and realize that all children are blessings.  

friday night, peter, zak & i took my mom to a little italian restaurant downtown.  the food was 'ok'.  we later met up with some of my mom's closest friends and sister at a bar in grosse pointe.  it was so fun.  i love to see my mom with her girlfriends -- they have been friends since childhood.  

on saturday, mom & i allowed peter to partake in a very special experience: a pedicure.  yes, it's true, peter got a pedi - and loved every minute of it!  later that day, i went to have dinner with my dad - he made some delicious chilli and i watched 'matrix' for the first time.  good time with dad, good movie.  

on sunday, i went to hope and got to see so many people that i love so much.  later that evening, we barbequed at our house for mother's day with my brothers and my grandma.  delicious salmon, steak and asparagus.  my mom is the best mom in the world - she is so generous and selfless.  i hope i can someday be as good of a mom as her :)  

yesterday, ashley and i met up at the mall.  i bought a few cute dresses for our honeymoon to ARUBA on friday :)  we are so excited!  i had a great trip home, and am a little sad to be back in nyc - i am really hoping the lord calls us back there sometime soon.

much love.

Momofuku?

jeff and i went to momofuku last saturday night with...FRIENDS. i'm so grateful for our bible studies, who are not only spiritually encouraging, but also good friends. momofuku is a koren-style barbeque. the dinner was a group format in which we received 2 fried chickens - one korean style, and one southern american style. not so good for our waistline, but delicious. momofuku is a 'hotspot' in NYC - the chef is pretty famous. he also owns a dessert bar (called the 'milk bar') around the corner where we stopped after dinner - famous for their 'crack pie', 'compost cookie', and 'cereal milkshakes'. YUM.

it's funny, because i don't have much...VARIETY to the food i eat. i love mexican, italian and american...but my palate isn't very diverse. i loved momofuku - it was delicious. something NYC has (that most cities don't!) is food of every nation. the lord created so many beautiful cultures, foods, nationalities - and i want to experience it all while i'm here! not only am i exposed to more food here, but i have NO WHITE FRIENDS. this is new to me. i know, i know - i married a chinese man and have always preached about breaking down cultural and racial barriers - but here in NYC (and with my church) it is IMPOSSIBLE to avoid it! it's so beautiful! all of my friends here thus far are asian (korean, chinese) or black. pretty neat. i appreciate them : )

the lord has really blessed us with beautiful weather over the past week (excuse my pastiness in this picture). jeff and i enjoyed a sunny afternoon in central park - reading our books (me in the sun, jeff under a nearby tree.) it was delightful. we live in a great city.

i head to Detroit next week for graduation (yay!) and then we head to ARUBA for our honeymoon! so exciting!

i'll leave with this verse that i was praying over today that was so encouraging:

To Him who led His people through the wilderness, for HIS lovingkindess is everlasting.

Pslam 136:16

through this wilderness of marriage, life in new york city, new beginnings - his lovingkindness is STILL everlasting. praise god.

Much Love.

Graduation!

it's true.  i'm graduating from graduate school in 2 weeks - ahh! i might cry, i'm so excited.  i'm excited to be done with school (forever!), be done with my internship (although i have learned a TON) and get a paycheck!  in the meantime, i have one week of my internship left and then i head home to Michigan for a week to be with family, catch up with friends, celebrate my mom's birthday and mother's day and do the whole 'graduation' thing :)  

after michigan, Jeff and i head to ARUBA for our honeymoon!  we waited until now for our honeymoon (although we went on a 'mini' honeymoon right after the wedding) because we were going through TOO many transitions immediately after the wedding (marriage, moving to NYC, starting new internship, etc.)  i'm so excited to enjoy my hubby, the warm aruban climate and marriage in aruba :)  

jeff and i are officially members of New Life Fellowship - pretty exciting!  we also just interviewed to volunteer at their full-service health clinic.  the health clinic is a part of the church, and mostly run by christians, but a separate non-profit organization (to receive more government funding.)  they serve uninsured people in the community...mm...jeff and i love this idea - serving those in your church's community.  we would love to see how this clinic is run, and maybe (someday), be able to start something like this in Detroit.  oh, how Detroit needs some health care lovin :)

speaking of our hope and love for detroit.... 

something god has been convicting us of is that the HE has us here, in NYC, for a reason. he wants us here. he wants to teach us here. we are not in control of when we leave. in jeremiah 29:7-13: 

seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf; for in its welfare you will have welfare....for I know the plans that I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me an come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all of your heart and I will be found by you..

ahhhh seeking the welfare of the city of NYC...praying for NYC...BEING IN NYC while we're here....it also reminds me of ecclesiastes 3:1, 11:  

there is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under the sun...He has made everything appropriate in it's time...

so, that's where we're at...or, at least, that's where i'm at... i'm in NYC (for now!) and need to love it like it's my city. 

much love.

"generations will reap what you sow"

i've been reading through 'emotionally healthy spirituality' - a book written by the pastor of our new church, pete scazzero.  it's been a lot to process, and i've been contemplating over his words of wisdom.  the most recent chapter i read was about generational sin - and how the sins of our family profoundly impact who we are, how we form relationships with others, our marriages, families and thoughts about ourselves.  

pastor pete points out that the old testament is filled with generational sin:

• lying (abraham lied twice about sarah; isaac and rebecca's marriage was characterized by lies; jacob lied to almost everyone he encountered; jacob's children lied about joseph's death.)
• favoritism by at least one parent (abraham favored ishmael; isaac favored essau; jacob favored joseph and later benjamin)
• broken relationship amongst brothers (isaac and ishmael were cut off from each other; jacob fled his brother esau and was cut off for many years; jospeh was cut off from his brothers after they sold him into slavery)
• lack of intimacy in marriages (abraham had a baby with hagar-who was not his wife; isaac had a bad relationship with rebecca; jacob had two wives and two concubines)

generational sin ran rampant amongst these BIBLICAL people.  it gave me a little peace to know that God still used these people to write history and display his Love for us lowly humans. in order for me to move forward, and not repeat the generational sins of my family's past, i needed to take a deep look into my family's generational sin.  

the obvious sin that immediately came to mind was addiction.  addiction infests both sides of my family.  alcohol, drugs, gambling - we've got it all! i have grandparents, uncles, aunts and a parent who have struggled with addiction.  i desire for this generational sin to stop here - with me (and jeff.)  i will not allow satan to ruin my marriage, the lives of my future children, my relationships with others through addiction. this generational sin will end here, with me (and the Lord's help.) 

looking and praying more about addiction, and how it has effected my extended family and my immediate family is painful. to think about the lies that covered up addiction, how fake the sense of security we had as children shakes my reality.  what was real? truth is that i saw a counselor in high school about my dad's addiction and the subsequent divorce, but i think i was in survival mode - i just needed to make it through the day.  my brain wasn't mature enough to process all of the baggage that was to come along with this generational sin of addiction. now, as jeff and i dream about what God has for our future, our family, i know that i need to really face it.  

i need to embrace the fact that addiction ruined my parent's marriage. addiction ruined relationships amongst parents and siblings. addiction ruined my sense of home and security. addiction messed with my body image and worthiness. 

i need to admit that i miss having a family. i hate holidays because they are busied with running between my parents. my dad has made choices that will leave him alone. anxiety has infected my life because addiction. i am in constant fear of a relapse. i'm still sad. i won't ever get over it.

yet, i need to embrace the fact that The Lord can set me free from this generational sin. i am not responsible for my parents. addiction can stop here. my children do not need to live with the profound effects addiction can have. 

...this process of facing generational sin may take a while...addiction is only ONE sin!  maybe this is why the Lord has us here in NYC - I don't know that i would have looked into this if i were still in detroit, near the addiction.

on a lighter topic, jeff and i took a 'new members class' today at church - it feels good to be 'anchoring' down here in nyc (although i like to think of it as a temporary anchor, haha, i'm a control freak.) tonight at dinner we discussed how we actually felt like we were a part of a church family today -- like we had friends.  praise god for that :)

well, i need to get ready for the week and get to sleep (yes at 9:30pm, i go to sleep.)

much love.