"baby rabies"

yes, it's what jeff refers to my obsession with babies and small children..."baby rabies". i am infected. i started babysitting when i was in 6th grade (aunt patty, what where you thinking leaving a 10 year old with two children under 3????!) and have consistently babysat through graduate school. i still have a babysitting job here in NYC that i love to do when i have some free time (they are the coolest people i've met while living here.) my mom told me that when she brought peter home from the hospital (he is 18 months younger than I am) i walked around saying, "where's MY baby?" - trying to feed him, care for him, as if he were my own. it started young, folks.

(this is my cousin kelly - i started babysitting her when I was 10! all grown up:) )

i know jeff was secretly hoping my "baby rabies" would subside once i started working, 8 hours a day, with babies under 3...much to his dismay, and mine, it makes me love them more! seriously, i am such a nerd. when i see people post on facebook about their small infant/toddler and their development (in language OR feeding) i get a little too excited.

(this is a picture of sweet Ava and I a few years ago. I was her nanny during college)

i secretly hope every month that i am pregnant (which is next to impossible), yet there is some rational side of me that knows jeff and i cannot emotionally, spiritually and financially care for a child while living in new york. before we got married i foolishly told jeff, "i want to work for as long as i have been in school - about 6 years with graduate school" and he REALLY wants to stick with that. he wants us to enjoy each other, travel, save (oh jeff, why are you so rational?) i am such an impatient person who wants my desires satisfied RIGHT NOW. the lord is really teaching me to enjoy where we are now (young, living in new york city, working jobs we love) but is it really a sin as a woman to long for a child so deeply?

last week jeff and i were having dinner and he jokingly said, "we're never having babies!" (or something of the sorts) and I STARTED TO CRY! he was completely kidding, but for some reason this comment struck me so deeply i couldn't stop the tears. i think about hannah, sara, rachel...all of these women of the bible that had to WAIT for a child. they remind me of my sweet friend sarah who is only 26 and had to go through so many tests, ultrasounds, and almost surgery before the lord blessed her with a pregnancy. i selfishly think, "eeek, Lord, please don't make me walk through that. i would rather get pregnant on accident TOMORROW than be barren."

and, if i'm really honest with myself, i cannot have a baby when living in a different city than my mom. she is my best friend. i need her by my side as i walk through pregnancy. i can only start praying that my daughter (yes, jeff and i think we will only have daughters, haha) and i will someday have a relationship as precious as my relationship with her.

as you finish reading this you're probably thinking, 'jeff is right. laura is crazy. she has baby rabies'. it's ok. i embrace it.

much love.