Saturday, July 17, 2010

emotional exhaustion

i'm really struggling to set boundaries with my work. i'm emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted. when i get home from work, the LAST thing i want to do is spend time with my husband because i've been running around like a crazy woman serving families all day. poor jeff is taking the brunt of my inability to set boundaries. i don't want to go out at night, i can't think about getting on a bus or subway to do something fun. all i think about is work and sleep. i have mini-breakdowns every morning. i can't live like this any longer.

i keep hoping it will get better when my caseload is full, or when we move to brooklyn, or when the weather cools down, or when we get a car....i can't decide if these are false hopes that i'm clinging to, or if things will lighten up a little. i finally have a full caseload, so we'll see how things go next week.

a lot of my exhaustion is physical. nyc has had a hot summer - most days it's above 90 degrees. i run in and out of 8+ homes a day, most with no air conditioning. will having a car reduce some of this exhaustion?

some of my exhaustion is emotional. i see babies that have been sexually and physically abused. babies who have never been read to, spoken to. babies who have parents that can't pay rent and end up at a shelter they are unfamiliar with....i also have the privilege of working with parents that love their babies and try really hard to help them improve their communication skills...i find myself investing so much of my thought life into both types of families. i worry about the babies with uninvolved and abusive families and, yet, i miss my mom more when i see the parents that bust their booties to get their children the best services possible. most mornings i cry on my way to my first child - thinking about my own mom and how hard she worked for me and my brothers.

my spiritual life has been lacking. i am so tired at the end of the day, that the last thing i want to do is spend time with the Lord. i am so grateful for my husband who prays for me everyday - especially on the really hot days or the days i go into the 'creepy' abusive homes. he prays for my safety and that i would be a light for Christ to these families when i can't rely on my own abilities.

i spoke with my mom today and we discussed this moment we had when i was in elementary school. i must have come home from a sleepover early because i was homesick....i was in bed with my mom as she told me that someday i would go away to college, move away with my childish response was, "NO WAY! I WANT TO LIVE AT HOME FOREVER WITH YOU!" funny how i still feel that same desire - maybe not the same house, but the same city, with jeff of course :)

so here i am...still missing my mom (haha) and emotionally exhausted. i'm really hoping that my job will settle down and that the Lord would begin to teach me appropriate physical, emotional and spiritual boundaries i need to have with my work (if only i would actually stop and spend time with Him.) it's so hard to set boundaries when so much about my job involves RELATIONSHIP and COMMUNICATION (relationships are impossible without communication.)

sometimes i look back at that decision i made with jeff in june to NOT apply for a job in detroit and commit to NYC for another year. sometimes i feel the manipulative nature of Eve creep up - i think to myself, 'get pregnant. you'll have to move can't afford a child in nyc.' GO AWAY EVE!

so, here are some of the boundaries i'm setting. they're not that i may have to change them:
-no work phone calls or emails after 630pm.
-no work, at all, on sundays
-making life easier by moving to brooklyn and buying a car is not a selfish sin. i will no longer think like that.
-the Lord, my marriage and THEN work.
-i have to take a minute to eat while working. because i've been so busy, i have stopped eating throughout the day. because i'm stressed, this is bringing back some weird control issues i thought i had dealt with as a teenager. eek.
-keep on hoping that we will be near my mom and my family someday soon. the lord knows my desires and will be faithful.

(wow, while i reread this post i thought to myself, 'stop whining. be grateful')

1 comment:

  1. Hey, it's ok to whine a little. We all struggle with changes in our lives. I know exactly what you're going through. There have been several times where I've wondered what the heck I'm doing with my life and just why I moved across the country from my parents. I pray daily for the strength and courage to embrace my new life and get through the challenging first steps it takes to adjust. New place, new people, new job, new life - that's a lot to take in all at once.

    You just have to wait it out until you get used to your new schedule and this new chapter in your life. The boundaries you've set for yourself are great. Just remember - God has a plan for you, and He doesn't put us through things that we can't handle. Hang in there, it WILL get better and easier. Love you!